I Believed Myself to Be a Homosexual Woman - The Music Icon Made Me Uncover the Reality

During 2011, a couple of years ahead of the renowned David Bowie display opened at the famous Victoria and Albert Museum in London, I publicly announced a homosexual woman. Until that moment, I had only been with men, with one partner I had married. Two years later, I found myself nearing forty-five, a freshly divorced caregiver to four kids, residing in the United States.

At that time, I had started questioning both my gender identity and attraction preferences, searching for understanding.

My birthplace was England during the dawn of the seventies era - before the internet. During our youth, my friends and I didn't have Reddit or digital content to consult when we had questions about sex; conversely, we looked to celebrity musicians, and throughout the eighties, musicians were playing with gender norms.

The iconic vocalist sported boys' clothes, The Culture Club frontman wore women's fashion, and bands such as Erasure and Bronski Beat featured performers who were openly gay.

I wanted his narrow hips and sharp haircut, his angular jaw and male chest. I sought to become the Berlin-era Bowie

Throughout the 90s, I spent my time riding a motorbike and wearing androgynous clothing, but I returned to femininity when I decided to wed. My spouse moved our family to the United States in 2007, but when our relationship dissolved I felt an powerful draw back towards the male identity I had once given up.

Given that no one played with gender to the extent of David Bowie, I decided to devote an open day during a warm-weather journey visiting Britain at the museum, hoping that possibly he could guide my understanding.

I was uncertain exactly what I was seeking when I stepped inside the display - perhaps I hoped that by losing myself in the opulence of Bowie's identity exploration, I might, in turn, encounter a insight into my own identity.

Before long I was standing in front of a compact monitor where the film clip for "the iconic song" was continuously looping. Bowie was strutting his stuff in the foreground, looking polished in a slate-colored ensemble, while to the side three accompanying performers wearing women's clothing clustered near a microphone.

In contrast to the performers I had encountered in real life, these characters weren't sashaying around the stage with the poise of natural performers; rather they looked bored and annoyed. Relegated to the background, they had gum in their mouths and showed impatience at the boredom of it all.

"Those words, boys always work it out," Bowie sang cheerfully, apparently oblivious to their reduced excitement. I felt a momentary pang of connection for the supporting artists, with their heavy makeup, awkward hairpieces and too-tight dresses.

They gave the impression of as awkward as I did in feminine attire - irritated and impatient, as if they were longing for it all to be over. Just as I understood I connected with three men dressed in drag, one of them removed her wig, smeared the lipstick from her face, and revealed herself to be ... Bowie! Shocker. (Naturally, there were two other David Bowies as well.)

Right then, I became completely convinced that I desired to remove everything and emulate the artist. I craved his lean physique and his precise cut, his angular jaw and his flat chest; I wanted to embody the slender-shaped, Berlin-era Bowie. Nevertheless I couldn't, because to truly become Bowie, first I would require being a man.

Announcing my identity as homosexual was a different challenge, but personal transformation was a much more frightening prospect.

I required additional years before I was willing. Meanwhile, I tried my hardest to become more masculine: I ceased using cosmetics and threw away all my feminine garments, trimmed my tresses and began donning masculine outfits.

I sat differently, modified my gait, and changed my name and pronouns, but I stopped short of surgical procedures - the potential for denial and second thoughts had left me paralysed with fear.

When the David Bowie display concluded its international run with a presentation in the American metropolis, following that period, I went back. I had arrived at a crisis. I was unable to continue acting to be an identity that didn't fit.

Positioned before the same video in 2018, I was absolutely sure that the challenge wasn't my clothes, it was my physical form. I wasn't simply a tomboy; I was a man with gentle characteristics who'd been wearing drag since birth. I desired to change into the person in the polished attire, performing under lights, and then I comprehended that I could.

I scheduled an appointment to see a medical professional shortly afterwards. I needed another few years before my personal journey finished, but none of the fears I anticipated materialized.

I maintain many of my female characteristics, so individuals frequently misidentify me for a gay man, but I accept this. I desired the liberty to play with gender as Bowie had - and since I'm comfortable in my body, I have that capacity.